Stats
by Mird
Summary: Is Ed still 'just a kid? A hell of a lot of dumbass Parental!RoyEd fangirls seem to think so. No offense. Parental!RoyEd parody, oneshot.


**Hello. Mird just got back from her flight. Mird is angry because Mird was SUPPOSED to get home yesterday BUT NO. THE DAMN FLIGHT WAS CANCELLED.**

**So Mird had to spend the night at a hotel in New York with her incessantly annoying little sister and then take two more flights AND SHE ALMOST HAD TO SIT NEXT TO SOMEONE THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE EDWARD CULLEN.**

**Okay, no more third person in A/Ns. It's annoying.**

**I'm sorry for ranting. I'm just mad and tired. Now read, m'kay?**

Stats

"Ed. Come look at this."

"Hmm?" Ed said, chewing on some bubble gum that he had found lying on the floor. He wandered over to the computer and raised an eyebrow. "A porn website?"

Roy blinked in a confused fashion. "What? Oh. I forgot that was there. Hang on..." He opened a new page and typed FFnet into the address bar. "I've been looking at the 'stupid Parental!RoyEd shitty fanfic' stats, and 70% of dumbass fanfic writers say that I think you're 'still just a kid.' Funny, huh?"

Ed swallowed his gum and coughed. "AHHH! I SWALLOWED MY GUM!"

Roy patted his back. "There, there. It'll all get better. I know Al is dead, but-"

"Al's dead?"

Roy paused midsentence. "Oh. Oops. I was reciting lines from a different fanfic...I forgot to switch scripts...Hang on..." He reached into the bra of his current girlfriend and pulled out his latest script.

Ed swallowed his gum and coughed. "AHHH! I SWALLOWED MY GUM!"

Roy patted his back. "There, there. You'll be okay...Do you wanna try that 'I think you're still just a kid' thing?" he asked, stepping away from Ed.

"Weeeeell..." Ed said. Repeating vowels is KAWAII. "It sounds fun, but it has it's drawbacks."

Roy snorted. "Everything has drawbacks."

"Like what?"

"Like...Like that porn website. I really like it, but I'm not sure that it's completely entirely legal."

"Indeed," said Ed. "Now, how does one go about being 'just a kid'?"

"Hmm..." Roy put on his reading glasses and looked at the screen. Ed laughed.

"You look like a librarian."

"SHHH."

"You're a bitchy librarian."

"SHHH. Okay, the majority of dumbass fanfic authors say that we have to play ball."

"Okay," said Ed. Ed picked up a ball. Ed threw the ball. The ball hit Roy's face. Roy is in a coma for three and a half chapters.

Roy woke up with a pounding headache. "Ohhh...Ed? I don't think I like it when you're 'still just a kid'...It's painful and annoying."

Ed shook his head. "Neither do I. I hate it when you're in a coma- I have to angst a lot. Angsting hurts my head."

Roy groaned again. "There, there. It- Aw, fuck it. I'm too tired to comfort you."

-One week later-

"All right, Ed, let's try another way for you to be 'just a kid'. What do kids your age do?"

"Well, I'm sixteen...Hmm..." Ed said, tapping his chin like a total moron. "Drugs. Lots of that. Illegal drinking...A bit of sex...Suicide attempts? No...That requires angst. I'm all angsted out from you and your stupid coma."

"It wasn't my fault! Stop complaining, you little bastard!"

Ed kept talking. "Going to high school, getting high, getting high while going to high school..."

"Ed, I think you have a very fucked-up view of people your age."

"I'm not done!" Ed snapped. "Let's see...Video games. Let's go play some video games."

Roy and Ed were playing High School Musical for Wii- the manliest of all manly video games- when Ed had an idea.

"Roy," said Ed. "I have an idea."

Roy was too busy singing a high school musical song (1) to pay Ed any attention.

Ed didn't care. He kept talking anyways. "If only 70% of dumbass fanfic writers say that you think I'm 'still just a kid., what do the other 30% think?"

Ed sat and waited for Roy to answer. He checked his watch. He drank a glass of juice. He burned thirteen copies of Twilight. He satisfied thirty seven of the fangirls that were window-stalking him by sitting shirtless on Roy's lap. Eventually, he figured out that Roy wasn't going to answer, and checked the 'stupid Parental!RoyEd shitty fanfic' stats on his own.

"The other 30% say that you think I'm 'not a kid anymore'. What do you have to say to that, Roy-y-kinz?"

That shut Roy up. "Okay, first of all, 'Roy-y-kinz' isn't even possible to pronounce without sounding like the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. Second, no, you are not an adult. You are sixteen and immature."

"I'm not immature!" Ed said, picking his nose.

"Yes, Ed. Yes, you are."

"No I'm not!" Ed ate the booger. "Now, what do adults do?"

"Drugs. Legal drinking. A little sex. Paperwork."

"Spill the legal drinks on paperwork while having sex?" Ed asked innocently.

Roy grinned. "Perfect! Go get two girls and some booze. I'll supply the paperwork."

Ed ran to get Winry and Riza, the two most popular female partners for himself and Roy. But Winry threw a wrench at his head and Riza hospitalized him with bullets alone, which resulted in angst for seven more chapters. By the time he got back, Roy had already married and lived happily ever after with seventeen OCs, Hughes and Havoc.

The End.

* * *

Ed stared at the screen, his mouth hanging open slightly. He turned slowly to face Mird, who happened to be contentedly drinking a glass of milk.

"...Miiiird?" he said in one long drawn-out syllable.

"Hmm?" she replied, flipping to the next page in The Onion. "Mm...Good milk. Good Onion. Would you like a sample of either?"

Ed shook his head. "Mird, what's the meaning of this?"

"What? Life? Well, Ed my dear, I'm afraid I don't know. And sorry for calling you Ed my dear. You aren't a deer. I apologize. Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah, sure- I mean, no! Wait! What?!"

"That's what _I_ should be asking _you_," she said with a small 'tsk' in her voice. "Honestly. You're making no sense."

"I-"

"What is a rose by any other name-"

"Was that an incorrect Shakespeare quote?" Ed asked, wrinkling his nose in annoyance.

Mird shrugged. "Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. You tell me."

Ed sighed. "I can't believe anyone could write such stupid crack..."

"Nonsense," said Mird. "You just say that because no one ever has."

"Was that an incorrect Princess Bride quote?" Ed asked, his annoyance growing.

"Why, yes, I believe it was," said Mird. "Fancy that. Would you like some tea?"

"You don't have any tea."

"On the contrary, I believe that I do."

"You don't even DRINK tea! And stop trying to sound British! You sound even more dumb than usual!"

"You know, Ed," Mird began slyly. "You sound very out of character. Do you need therapy?" She smiled.

"It's YOUR fault that I'm out of character. You're the one writing me. And how come I'm not swearing?" Ed asked reproachfully.

"Fine. You wanna swear? I'll make you swear." With a flick of her magic pencil wand- actually, Mird never uses pencils because they hurt her beautiful hands. With a flick of her big, clunky keyboard wand, Ed began to swear.

"Your Mother is a *****ing ****** Lorem Ipsum ******** Adminvenium ****** Tragollaw ******* Hippopotamus ******** Republican ******** and Daniel Radcliffe ****** with a bucket of **** and a castle far away where no one can hear you ******* soup ***** with a bucket of ******* Mickey Mouse ******* and a stick of dynamite ****** magical ******* Alakazam!!" (2)

Mird smiled. "Happy?"

"...Did you just make me quote Potter Puppet Pals?"

Mird shrugged. "Maybe."

"And why'd you censor it? What are you, 4kids?"

"You know what? This has been going on to long. Cut scene!"

And everything went black.

THE END

**(1) I don't know any HSM songs. I've never watched the entire thing. Aren't I lucky?**

**(2) Googled 'Wizard Swears script', copied and pasted, and tada! TYPOS ARE NOT MY FAULT. I TRIED TO FIX THEM BUT WHOEVER WROTE THIS ORIGINALLY HAD DEPRESSINGLY BAD GRAMMAR SKILLS.**

**DAMN CAPS LOCK.**

**Okay. I fixed it as best as I could, but if any typos stayed there...Don't yell at me. Just point them out. Okay? Okay. Thanks. *smiles***


End file.
